Turns out my time-travels take a hefty chunk out of The Orchid's budget, so I was only allowed to go back and see one movie this week. I saw Twilight, so I didn't need to see I Am Number Four. And as for Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, I didn't think there would be much more story in the left for the series' 28th installment. So I chose to do Unknown, the latest movie featuring Liam Neeson as a bad-ass. I almost eliminated Unknown because it looked too much like Taken, but then I heard the movie is confusing as fuck. So I took up the challenge.
Unknown features Martin Harris (Neeson), sorry, Dr. Martin Harris, who gets in a car accident. Waking from his coma, Martin realizes nobody knows who the fuck he is because (Da Da DAAAA) his identity has been stolen! He rushes to find his wife Betty Draper (January Jones)...I mean, Elizabeth (also, Jones), but she doesn't even know who “this crazy guy” is. A flabbergasted Martin then sets out to find the fake Martin Harris...or real?
Yeah, I just did that. Hey, you're the one reading a newspaper from the future, don't you kinda want things spoiled for you? Besides, if I couldn't write up a complete plot synopsis, this article wouldn't be much longer, or fun. What, you want me to discuss cinematography? Praise pithy dialogue? Compare and contrast Unknown with director Jaume Collet-Serra's debut House of Wax? Fuck it: this story is dynamite and fully unwraps itself into a colossal tale of free will, self-identity and existence itself. And I'm gonna tell the whole damn story:
[EDIT] OK, once my editor saw that I had done a complete write-up of the entire film, he said something along the lines of, “Please do a normal review.” Except I think he said “Listen here,” instead of “Please,” and then followed it up with “I will fucking fire your ass.” He then smashed my Macbook Pro to bits with a baseball bat and shoved my nose in its wake, screaming, “Do I have to treat you like my fucking dog?!”
Anyway, I'm a little flustered at the moment to do a normal review. I'm also exhausted from typing my former 12,000 word review to start a new one. Just know Neeson kicks some ass, Frank Langella is in this fucking movie, and Jones acts like a robot (because she is one?). Yeah, I did it again. I gotta hurry up and leave the office before Hitler comes back with his bat. Peace.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Justin Beiber: Never Say Never - Opening February 11, 2011
Holy shit. My first movie review out of the time travel gates and I get The Biebs? Hell yeah motherfucker! Wait…and it’s in 3-you’ve-got-to-be-shitting-me-D!!!! Dude, J.B.’s voice was straight flying out of the screen. Floating music notes were hitting me left and right. Life just doesn’t get any better.
I get to take one person with me on my time-traveling expeditions, and of course my little cousin wanted to go. She loves Justin Beiber. She’s got posters and magazine clippings and photographs with Justin’s eyes cut out throughout her room. She even wrote his lyrics all over her wall in red ink (or her blood), such as “I’ll buy you a Panini and some Spanks to make you teeny” and “The truth I need a pillowcase.”
"The truth I need a pillowcase."
But she’s a creepy little bitch, so I took my friend so we could make fun of the movie and everyone attending. We sat ourselves right in the front, sniggering with our pockets stuffed with noisemakers. There were all these annoying little girls there who wouldn’t shut up about My World 2.0, so needless to say, we couldn’t wait to ruin their night. But, then…it started.
I hope this review has accurately portrayed, up to this point, my progression of thoughts on the film. At first I was sarcastic, dismissing Never Say Never as a joke. Then the little girls of the world pissed me off with their obsession so I began to take an deliciously dark pleasure in returning the favor. The third step: amazement.
You know, I think it was because I never really paid much attention to J-Bibble. That dude can fucking dance! And he’s, like, only 15-years-old or something. And his voice…man! Of course the auto-tune and studio over-production kills his voice on the radio, but there’s a voice of an angel buried beneath it all.
At one point during a concert, Baby Bieber pulls a girl out of the crowd, brings her on stage and serenades her with a cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” While singing, Justin walks around the stage…and then out of the fucking screen! Are you kidding me?! He walked right up to me and placed his hand on my knee as he told me, “Your time has come to shine. All your dreams are on their way.” I swear I could feel his holographic hand burning through my jeans.
Oh, and Bieber Bear listens to Simon & Garfunkel? How fucking sexy is that? Wait, cool! I meant how “COOL” is that…
Well, regardless, I’m now a bona fide Bieber buff. I went out and bought his albums, and then downloaded his acoustic one because it was sold out at Best Buy and Wal-Mart. I promise I’ll pay for it, but I just couldn’t wait for it to come back in stock.
I guess this wasn’t a great review. Really, it's just Bieby McBiebers singing for three-fourths of the film, so it feels more like a concert than a biography. I guess that’s because they want you to buy his actual autobiography. Which I read. Twice. My favorite line is, “Singers aren’t supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I’m a rule breaker. Pizza is just so good!”
Oh, I never mentioned the hair. Isn’t it just goddamned perfect?
I get to take one person with me on my time-traveling expeditions, and of course my little cousin wanted to go. She loves Justin Beiber. She’s got posters and magazine clippings and photographs with Justin’s eyes cut out throughout her room. She even wrote his lyrics all over her wall in red ink (or her blood), such as “I’ll buy you a Panini and some Spanks to make you teeny” and “The truth I need a pillowcase.”
"The truth I need a pillowcase."
But she’s a creepy little bitch, so I took my friend so we could make fun of the movie and everyone attending. We sat ourselves right in the front, sniggering with our pockets stuffed with noisemakers. There were all these annoying little girls there who wouldn’t shut up about My World 2.0, so needless to say, we couldn’t wait to ruin their night. But, then…it started.
I hope this review has accurately portrayed, up to this point, my progression of thoughts on the film. At first I was sarcastic, dismissing Never Say Never as a joke. Then the little girls of the world pissed me off with their obsession so I began to take an deliciously dark pleasure in returning the favor. The third step: amazement.
You know, I think it was because I never really paid much attention to J-Bibble. That dude can fucking dance! And he’s, like, only 15-years-old or something. And his voice…man! Of course the auto-tune and studio over-production kills his voice on the radio, but there’s a voice of an angel buried beneath it all.
At one point during a concert, Baby Bieber pulls a girl out of the crowd, brings her on stage and serenades her with a cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” While singing, Justin walks around the stage…and then out of the fucking screen! Are you kidding me?! He walked right up to me and placed his hand on my knee as he told me, “Your time has come to shine. All your dreams are on their way.” I swear I could feel his holographic hand burning through my jeans.
Oh, and Bieber Bear listens to Simon & Garfunkel? How fucking sexy is that? Wait, cool! I meant how “COOL” is that…
Well, regardless, I’m now a bona fide Bieber buff. I went out and bought his albums, and then downloaded his acoustic one because it was sold out at Best Buy and Wal-Mart. I promise I’ll pay for it, but I just couldn’t wait for it to come back in stock.
I guess this wasn’t a great review. Really, it's just Bieby McBiebers singing for three-fourths of the film, so it feels more like a concert than a biography. I guess that’s because they want you to buy his actual autobiography. Which I read. Twice. My favorite line is, “Singers aren’t supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I’m a rule breaker. Pizza is just so good!”
Oh, I never mentioned the hair. Isn’t it just goddamned perfect?
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