Holy shit. My first movie review out of the time travel gates and I get The Biebs? Hell yeah motherfucker! Wait…and it’s in 3-you’ve-got-to-be-shitting-me-D!!!! Dude, J.B.’s voice was straight flying out of the screen. Floating music notes were hitting me left and right. Life just doesn’t get any better.
I get to take one person with me on my time-traveling expeditions, and of course my little cousin wanted to go. She loves Justin Beiber. She’s got posters and magazine clippings and photographs with Justin’s eyes cut out throughout her room. She even wrote his lyrics all over her wall in red ink (or her blood), such as “I’ll buy you a Panini and some Spanks to make you teeny” and “The truth I need a pillowcase.”
"The truth I need a pillowcase."
But she’s a creepy little bitch, so I took my friend so we could make fun of the movie and everyone attending. We sat ourselves right in the front, sniggering with our pockets stuffed with noisemakers. There were all these annoying little girls there who wouldn’t shut up about My World 2.0, so needless to say, we couldn’t wait to ruin their night. But, then…it started.
I hope this review has accurately portrayed, up to this point, my progression of thoughts on the film. At first I was sarcastic, dismissing Never Say Never as a joke. Then the little girls of the world pissed me off with their obsession so I began to take an deliciously dark pleasure in returning the favor. The third step: amazement.
You know, I think it was because I never really paid much attention to J-Bibble. That dude can fucking dance! And he’s, like, only 15-years-old or something. And his voice…man! Of course the auto-tune and studio over-production kills his voice on the radio, but there’s a voice of an angel buried beneath it all.
At one point during a concert, Baby Bieber pulls a girl out of the crowd, brings her on stage and serenades her with a cover of Simon & Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.” While singing, Justin walks around the stage…and then out of the fucking screen! Are you kidding me?! He walked right up to me and placed his hand on my knee as he told me, “Your time has come to shine. All your dreams are on their way.” I swear I could feel his holographic hand burning through my jeans.
Oh, and Bieber Bear listens to Simon & Garfunkel? How fucking sexy is that? Wait, cool! I meant how “COOL” is that…
Well, regardless, I’m now a bona fide Bieber buff. I went out and bought his albums, and then downloaded his acoustic one because it was sold out at Best Buy and Wal-Mart. I promise I’ll pay for it, but I just couldn’t wait for it to come back in stock.
I guess this wasn’t a great review. Really, it's just Bieby McBiebers singing for three-fourths of the film, so it feels more like a concert than a biography. I guess that’s because they want you to buy his actual autobiography. Which I read. Twice. My favorite line is, “Singers aren’t supposed to have dairy before a show, but we all know I’m a rule breaker. Pizza is just so good!”
Oh, I never mentioned the hair. Isn’t it just goddamned perfect?
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