Turns out my time-travels take a hefty chunk out of The Orchid's budget, so I was only allowed to go back and see one movie this week. I saw Twilight, so I didn't need to see I Am Number Four. And as for Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, I didn't think there would be much more story in the left for the series' 28th installment. So I chose to do Unknown, the latest movie featuring Liam Neeson as a bad-ass. I almost eliminated Unknown because it looked too much like Taken, but then I heard the movie is confusing as fuck. So I took up the challenge.
Unknown features Martin Harris (Neeson), sorry, Dr. Martin Harris, who gets in a car accident. Waking from his coma, Martin realizes nobody knows who the fuck he is because (Da Da DAAAA) his identity has been stolen! He rushes to find his wife Betty Draper (January Jones)...I mean, Elizabeth (also, Jones), but she doesn't even know who “this crazy guy” is. A flabbergasted Martin then sets out to find the fake Martin Harris...or real?
Yeah, I just did that. Hey, you're the one reading a newspaper from the future, don't you kinda want things spoiled for you? Besides, if I couldn't write up a complete plot synopsis, this article wouldn't be much longer, or fun. What, you want me to discuss cinematography? Praise pithy dialogue? Compare and contrast Unknown with director Jaume Collet-Serra's debut House of Wax? Fuck it: this story is dynamite and fully unwraps itself into a colossal tale of free will, self-identity and existence itself. And I'm gonna tell the whole damn story:
[EDIT] OK, once my editor saw that I had done a complete write-up of the entire film, he said something along the lines of, “Please do a normal review.” Except I think he said “Listen here,” instead of “Please,” and then followed it up with “I will fucking fire your ass.” He then smashed my Macbook Pro to bits with a baseball bat and shoved my nose in its wake, screaming, “Do I have to treat you like my fucking dog?!”
Anyway, I'm a little flustered at the moment to do a normal review. I'm also exhausted from typing my former 12,000 word review to start a new one. Just know Neeson kicks some ass, Frank Langella is in this fucking movie, and Jones acts like a robot (because she is one?). Yeah, I did it again. I gotta hurry up and leave the office before Hitler comes back with his bat. Peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment